Sunday, January 11, 2009

This time its for serious

Sooo hello anybody out there reading this!
My name is Carling, im 24 and from Canada - my parents live in California and I moved to Sydney when I was 21. Right now im studying part time, well its considered full time but I only have 2 classes a week which are 2 hours each, so im not sure how that can be considered full time haha.
I have a boyfriend Matt who I lived with, hes a police officer and probably one of the coolest guys you will ever meet. We have no kids or pets, two flatmates (one is a friend from Canada and the other is her boyfriend)
So I started this blog because I find it really helpful to have somewhere to write my thoughts and feelings about what im going through. I also think maybe having it public will make me more accountable if that makes any sense?
Well to paint a picture I am 69cm's tall, and currently weigh 77kg.
This is the biggest I have ever been. I have been exactly this weight once before, but managed to get it off of myself - I found the trick that time was to have a boyfriend of 5 years break up with you for someone else. I can laugh about it now but at the time I was pretty devestated and ended up having a hard time eating for a while, plus losing weight is a great distraction and revenge for when you see your ex out somewhere. I ended up keeping the weight off and remained 70kg for about 4 years. I never really gained more than a kilo or two, and never did anything special to keep it off just ate normally - some days like a pig and some days not so much.
I ended up going back home to Canada/America in april so about 10 months ago, was there for 2 months renewing my visa and came back in may. After I came back on a student visa ive been having a very very hard time financially. I have been finding it almost impossible to pay my uni fee's while having a roof over my head and eating at the same time - let alone have anything left over to socialize or buy anything for myself. Luckily I have a fantastic boyfriend whos been letting me pretty much sponge off him since coming back and supporting me through everything. I ended up living with him and his parents for about 4 months as soon as I came back, until we got everything together and moved out into our own place. During that whole time because they live so far out I wasnt able to work, I still applied for heaps of jobs and didnt get a single offer the whole time. So anyways we moved and I started working heaps at a restaurant and by that time I had already gained about 4kg. After working at the restaurant for a couple months I gained another 3kg and now im back at 77 which is the biggest ive ever been - yet again. My goal this time is not to go back down to 70, because at that weight I always felt chubby and self concious too - not as bad as I feel now but still I wasnt happy. So this time I want to get down to 63kg's, I dont think I have been this weight since year 10 in high school, but again I was never skinny so I dont see why it would look skinny now as I havent changed in height...
Ive since quit that job and was without work for a couple months again (while handing out sometimes 40 resumes a day - no calls back) I tell you the student visa is a bad situation to get yourself into! Unless your parents have told you they would support you the entire time, or you happened to save about $10,000 before coming back, or were lucky enough to find a job where they didnt rape you (not literally) every shift you have - you probably wont make it by yourself living here...
So anyways the moral of this story is that I have been soo stressed and bored not working that I managed to pack on some kilos, which really only ends up making you feel worse and gives you more to stress out about.
2 weeks ago today I decided I was absolutly sick of this. Ive been going to the gym 5 days a week, eating well, being generally concious about what I put into my mouth and doing physical activity whenever possible - and im feeling better. So far for some reason I have lost 0 kg's, which for me is a bit odd because generally I can lose it quite quickly, but obviously metabolisms change and I havent really tried to lose weight in a couple years so perhaps its going to be a lot harder this time around...
This time I have decided I dont care how long it takes. I figure if I give up now - in 3 months I could be 3kg's more than I am now, even more miserable than I already am, and have 3 more kg's to lose when I did finally get off my ass and decide to do it. So if in 3 months if im only 3 kg's down, at least its going in the right direction and I will be working towards something rather than burying myself deeper in this hole.
FINALLY on thursday I got a job too, so that is fantastic news and I can stop stressing now. I can get into a routine and just be able to relax.
Ive been managing cafes for about 4 years now, and im not one of thos people who does it because they love it. I did like it the first year or so, the second 2 I did it because I was on a work sponsorship visa and had to, but I hated it so much that I went back home and came back on a student visa so I could have the flexibility to pick my own job - No such luck. Ive put out resumes to every store in the westfeild by our house, every data entry/call center/admin job on seek, every tourism job, anything related to anything in retail and have not had a SINGLE phone call - after months on end of that it can be pretty deflating to your confidence. Espically when im 24 years old and cant get a shitty mall job and you give your resume to a 14 year old behind the counter who somehow got the job you cant get. I blame it on this visa (which only allows you to work 20 hours a week) but still at the end of the day it doesnt make it any easier to swallow or make the bills come in any less quickly. But anyways I got a cafe job yet again, and start tomorrow - im excited because I get weekends off (were actually closed on the weekends) and we close at 3. So I will actually have a life this time around while still be able to have a pay cheque and work normal trading hours!!!
So anyways im feeling so much better this weekend and happy to get back to the real world, its the perfect time too because all my friends are going back to work after the holidays and its the new year and a fresh page in my life.

1 comment:

  1. WOW! You really have been through alot! I can relate to the whole moving to another country and not being able to work thing. I recently moved to the US from Australia with my American husband and am finding it difficult not being able to work and I tend to eat alot of junk food because its so cheap here.

    If you need any help or advice or just a friend online I'm available!